Flying Free

This is a replay of one of the most listened to episodes in the Flying Free Podcast archives, and it’s such a good one, I thought I’d reshare it for our new listeners! If you've ever screamed, thrown something, said something you regret, and then wondered if you’re the abusive one, this conversation will clear that up for you. Our guest, Annette Oltmans breaks down what's really happening in your brain, why "mutual abuse" is a myth, and what happens when the very people you turn to for help end up hurting you all over again. What we cover: Why your reactions don’t match your character A phrase from the National Domestic Violence Hotline that settles the "mutual abuse" debate for good. A former police chief once confronted Annette with a question that reveals exactly why so many victims get misread. There's a second wound that often hurts worse than the first one, and it usually comes from people inside the church. A simple physical trick can interrupt a trauma reaction before it takes over. Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Family estrangement. It’s kind of big on social media right now, but not always in a healthy kind of way. Gretchen Baskerville, author of The Life Saving Divorce, has done research on this, and she’s discovered nine types of family estrangement. Chances are, you’ve had a brush with…or are experiencing…at least one type. Watch or listen in to hear real stories that show how addiction, control, mental illness, outside manipulation, and even distorted theology can all play a role in family estrangements, and why the truth is almost always more layered than "who's the villain here." Key Takeaways: There's no single reason families become estranged: what looks the same on the outside can mean something completely different underneath. Some of the most common "explanations" you see online only tell half the story, and Gretchen explains why. One popular Christian teaching has quietly shaped how families handle conflict, and the data on it might shock you. Not every estrangement is permanent. Gretchen shares research on how many families eventually reconnect, and what actually predicts it. You'll walk away with four powerful questions that can help you understand your own family's story with more clarity and less judgment. You can read Gretchen’s insightful article on parent/adult-child estrangement HERE. And while you’re there, be sure to check out her other researched articles on the topics of Christianity and divorce. Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area helping heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.

If you are stepping away from an emotionally or spiritually destructive marriage and suddenly feel hit by severe anxiety, physical illness, obsessive thoughts, or a desperate urge to run back, you may be experiencing trauma bond withdrawal. When a relationship alternates between unpredictable emotional mistreatment and periods of seeming “niceness,” your body builds a biological and neurochemical dependency on that cycle. Breaking free triggers a physical and emotional detox. Today’s episode is a faith-informed, clinically grounded guide to understanding trauma bond withdrawal symptoms, dismantling weaponized scripture, and restoring your nervous system. Resources mentioned in this episode: The Grey Rock Method for Emotional Abuse Victims Flying Free Kaleidoscope Program Get Today’s Free Resource: 🧐 Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

In this episode, we’re doing something a little different. I’m opening up my private monthly book club discussion (usually just for Flying Higher members) and sharing it with you. This month we read the bestselling novel Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke. We get into the tradwife aesthetic, performative Christianity, and the difference between a woman who genuinely loves a homemaking life and a system that demands every woman perform one. Key Takeaways: The reason the beautiful tradwife image is so seductive The most convincing performances usually start with a belief that's actually sincere. One character's storyline sparked a heated disagreement in the group about who gets to be "smart" in stories like this one, and why that distinction matters There's a subtle difference between a woman choosing a traditional role and a woman being conditioned into one, and it changes everything about how we respond to the trend. What does authentic faith look like once the performance stops? If you’re a divorced Christian woman who loves self-development and learning new things, consider joining the Flying Higher community! Get Today’s Free Resource: 🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Let’s talk about emotional neglect. Can we really categorize this as “abuse?” I say we can, and in today’s episode, I’m going to tell you why. In this episode, you’ll learn: Five specific ways emotional neglect shows up in a marriage Why silence can be more controlling than yelling What your nervous system does when someone ignores you The question every neglected wife asks herself over and over again, and why she needs to stop asking that question Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women still in or healing from emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

This is part two of our series on the subtle gaslighting tactics emotional abusers and narcissists use in Christian marriage. You'll hear four more specific examples of what he says, why he says it, what it triggers in you, and the precise words to say back so the tactic stops working on you for good. Key Takeaways: There's a reason your husband can turn any conversation about his behavior into a conversation about your tone, your past, or your "real" intentions, and once you see the move, you'll catch it every time. One specific manipulation pattern explains why a man can be caught in something devastating and somehow still come out of the conversation as the victim. There's a single Bible verse Christian men weaponize to shut down any conversation about unresolved hurt, and it doesn't actually say what they think it says. Find out why your anger in the moment of betrayal might be the most spiritually honest thing in the room, and why he needs you to believe otherwise. Every gaslighting tactic is aiming at the exact same target inside you, and once you know what it is, you'll never be fully fooled by any of them again. Get Today’s Free Resource: 🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Today we’ll talk about one of the most disorienting experiences Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages face: gaslighting. But we aren’t going to just define what gaslighting is. I’m going to break it down into all the tiny parts and give you some specific stories so you can see exactly what’s going on and WHY. You’ll learn three specific tactics gaslighters use, why they use them, and what you can do to stay grounded in your own reality when someone is working hard to pull you out of it. Key Takeaways: Why someone can sound completely loving and caring while actually doing something deeply harmful to you The hidden reason your concerns keep disappearing from conversations before they ever get resolved What a "joke" has to do with control, and why your body's reaction is not a character flaw The psychological mechanism you share with a slot machine, and what it's actually costing you The one shift that strips a gaslighting tactic of all its power, without you having to win a single argument Get Today’s Free Resource: 🧐 Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Tia Levings is the New York Times bestselling author of A Well-Trained Wife and her newest book, I Belong to Me. She survived a Christian patriarchy cult, escaped a near murder-suicide, was excommunicated for telling her own story, and spent 15 years in intensive trauma therapy doing the work to put herself back together. Now she's handing you the map to healing from religious trauma. In this episode, Tia and I dig into the real mechanics of religious trauma recovery: why your body refuses to believe you're safe even when your brain knows it, what "aftermath" actually means (it's an agricultural word, and it will change how you see your own devastation), why grief work is not optional, and what agency has to do with the entire trajectory of your healing. Key Takeaways: What does it actually mean to "belong to yourself" after religious trauma has dismantled your sense of identity from the inside out? Why trauma survivors often write, speak, and even think about themselves in the passive voice, and what that reveals about the agency that was quietly stolen from them What the agricultural origin of the word "aftermath" tells us about why the most painful, raw season of your healing is also the most generative Why anger and bitterness after religious trauma aren't signs that something is wrong with you, and what they're actually trying to show you How complex PTSD can keep a survivor locked in survival mode for years, making life-altering decisions in a state of ongoing shock without ever realizing it Get Tia’s books: A Well Trained Wife I Belong to Me Follow Tia everywhere on social media! Her handle is @tialevingswriter Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Let’s talk about something called “the subjugation schema.” It's a clinical pattern that secular psychologists are actively trying to help women heal from, and the conservative Christian church has rebranded the exact same wound as godliness, biblical womanhood, and a high calling. If you've spent your life apologizing for taking up space, smiling when you wanted to scream, or feeling guilty about basic human needs like rest, preferences, and an opinion of your own, this episode is going to feel like someone finally turned the lights on. Key Takeaways: Meet Rachel and Megan: two composite women, two very different engines driving the exact same wound. Find out which one might be running you in the background right now without your permission The four specific ways the conservative Christian church installs this pattern in little girls and quietly reinforces it in grown women Why "mutual submission," "complementarianism," and "servant leadership" might be the same old subjugation wearing a friendlier nametag The story of Sapphira in Acts 5 that quietly dismantles the "always submit to your husband" theology you've been handed The one journal question at the end of the episode that might wake up the woman who has been hiding underneath your schema for decades Get Today’s Free Resource: 🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

In this episode I’m answering a pressing question Christian women in difficult marriages ask: how do you find a church that will actually support you instead of silence you? Because not all churches are created equal, and the difference between a safe church and a harmful one can change everything for a woman trying to find her footing. I’ll break down exactly what to look for, what to ask, and what red flags to run from. 🔑 Key Takeaways: There's a question you can ask a pastor before ever setting foot in a pew that will tell you almost everything you need to know about whether that church is safe. What a church puts on its website (and what it leaves off) reveals far more than you might think about how they actually treat abuse survivors. One word in a pastor's answer about couples counseling is a dealbreaker. Do you know what it is? The church's leadership page can disqualify them before you ever walk through the door. There's a theology that sounds biblical and even beautiful to some women, but I make a case that it's actually setting the stage for harm. Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.